A Series of Problems
by Katria Bloom
Summary: This is a series of conversation HD Slash pieces I have been working. They are individual stories each chapter!
1. Pimple Problems

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_**Pimple Problems

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"It really isn't that bad. You can hardly tell at all."

"Are you out of your bloody _tree?_ Look at me! I'm horribly disfigured."

"You aren't horribly disfigured. Just cast a Glamour on it."

"No, Glamours dry out my skin. That's the last thing I need. I can't be seen like this Harry. Tell everyone I'm dead. Better yet, tell them I'm terminally ill. Days to live."

"I'm not telling everyone that you are terminally ill, that would rob sympathy from those who are really about to die. That's incredibly selfish."

"_I'm _incredibly selfish. I don't care about sickly people, I care about ME and my reputation!"

"What about me?"

"...I care about you sometimes. Mostly I hate your guts."

"Thanks. That was heartfelt. How about I tell everyone the real reason you aren't going anywhere today."

"They'll never believe you. You're a spastic, half-retarded ex-Gryffindor shift-lifter."

"I'm your spastic, half-retarded ex-Gryffindor shirt-lifter."

"Ha! You admitted to it! I win!"

"Do not!"

"Do too!"

"Not."

"Too!"

"Fine. If you'll excuse me, I have breaking news to report to the Prophet about Draco Malfoy. I must inform them that he has a..."

"Don't...say...it. It's bad enough I have to look at it."

"You don't. Put some concealer on it."

"I don't have any muggle cosmetics, I'm not some mudblood girl."

"I've seen you wear makeup before, Draco. I know you have it."

"It wasn't mine...I borrowed it from Pansy..."

"...Right. Fine, I'll get some from Herm..."

"No! I'm not wearing some mudblood girl's bloody makeup. It probably has GERMS..."

"Then wear yours. You have some. Don't deny it. You're too girly to not have makeup."

"Fine, I'll go and check if I still have some of Pansy's..."

"You mean fetch some from your loo."

"...Or fetch some from my loo. Whatever."

"Get eyeliner too."

"Why?"

"Because you'll look sexy with it on."

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"I'll let you have your wicked way with my body."

"Really?"

"No."

"Asshole."

"Am not."

"Just put this bloody stuff on me and make my horrible disfigurement disappear."

"It's not a horrible disfigurement. You have a bleeding pimple, that's all. It's not the end of the world."

"How do you know? It very well might be! Malfoy's don't get pimples. Pimples are for lesser mortals. They are a sign of being unclean. I'm not unclean, Harry! I'm the cleanest person in the entire U.K.!"

"You don't know that, unless you observe people's washing habits. You don't, do you?"

"Of course not. I just know that there isn't another person who cares enough about their hygiene to bathe three times a day. And how do I get repaid? I get stuck with a pimple the size of Surrey!"

"It's smaller than Surrey. Marginally."

"I appreciate that. Can you fix it?"

"Hold still."

"I am."

"There is only half of a tube left. I don't know if there is enough to cover this Surrey-esque deformity."

"Ha ha ha. You're a comic genius."

"I know."

"Just do it and get it over with."

"Fine."

"I love you Harry."

"Shut up."

"I do."

"Whatever. I'm done. You look lovely. Better than before, if I may say so."

"I can't look any better. I'm already perfect."

"Yeah, that's why you have a pimple."

"Shut up."_**

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_**End

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	2. Pet Problems

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Pet Problems

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"Potter, your damn dog wet on the bloody carpet again. You _have_ to train it or else I'm going to kill it."

"You wouldn't kill him; he loves you. Plus, that wasn't Snuffles."

"Then did you pee on the carpet!"

"Of course I didn't. That was the cat."

"The _CAT_! Since when do we have a cat?"

"Since...yesterday."

"Yesterday. You didn't even leave the house yesterday."

"I took the trash out. Snuffles was going to eat the bag if I didn't."

"And in the short distance from our flat to the curb you found a cat."

"He was wandering around outside. He was skinny and pitiful and..."

"You're unbelievable. Did you forget that cats need a litter box?"

"He has one, I just think he's sick. He vomited on the bed earlier."

"We aren't keeping him. I won't have a cat getting sick all over where I sleep. No way.

"Please?"

"No."

"But I got him for you, he's really cute."

"I'm sure."

"I've been calling him Sparky."

"I'm not a cat person."

"Or a dog person, judging by the way you treat Snuffles."

"Okay, I'm not an animal person. Or a people person, really. I'm pretty much a me person."

"That's reassuring. I can feel the love."

"We can keep our current animals, but no more. Understand?"

"So I need to cancel my order of llamas?"

"What the hell is a llama?"

"Muggle animal."

"Oh. No llamadas."

"Llama."

"Whatever."

"Remind me to call Hermione and tell her we can't take her puppies over the weekend."

"Puppies?"

"Yeah, I was going to puppysit."

"No. No way."

"I'll just have to tell her that my boyfriend hates all animals."

"Not all of them. Just the live ones."

"That's sick."

"But you love me."

"Of course."

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End

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	3. Parenting Problems

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Parenting Problems

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"Just rock him, Draco."

"I...am..."

"No you aren't. You're shaking him. Rock him."

"I'm trying. Taking care of screaming babies is hard."

"You have one kid. One. Plus, you've only had him for about fifteen minutes. I've toted him around all day. Deal with it."

"It had been longer than fifteen minutes."

"Okay. Seventeen minutes."

"Funny. My arms are getting bloody tired. Can I just lay it down and leave it?"

"No! That's abandonment. Ron wouldn't be too happy with you leaving his son lying around. Keep rocking him."

"Rocking _obviously_ isn't working. Is that the best advice you have?"

"I don't know...sing him a lullaby or something."

"You've gone 'round the bend. I don't sing."

"Of course you do."

"No."

"Fine, just rock him some more."

"Damn it...fine. _His eyes are__ as green as a fresh pickled toad_..."

"Not that song. Never that song. A different one."

"Alright. _Weasley is our king, Weasley is our king_..."

"Sing him a bloody lullaby."

"I don't _know_ any lullabies. If you haven't noticed, I'm not a huge fan of soothing things."

"Fine, give me the damn kid, I'll sing to him."

"By all means, take him."

"_Hush little baby don't say a word, Harry's gonna buy you a mockingbird. If that mockingbird don't sing, Draco's gonna buy you a diamond ring_."

"I'm not buying that kid a ring. Ron will accuse me of trying to turn his son poncey. Plus, they're expensive and he'll just eat it."

"Draco, it's just a bloody lullaby. Quiet. Go sit down or something."

"Fine. Continue your web of lies that you call a lullaby."

"I will. _And if that diamond ring don't shine_...umm...I don't know the rest of the words to this. Draco, could you help me? Draco?"

"Hm?"

"Were you even listening?"

"Course not. I was over here sitting down."

"Keep at it. _Roc__k-a-bye baby on the treetops, when the wind blows the cradle will rock. When the bow breaks the cradle will fall, and down will come baby, cradle and all_."

"That song is creepy. I wonder if the baby died?"

"Draco..."

"Sorry. I'm sitting."

"I've run out of lullabies. Err..._I'll __sing it one last time for you, then we really have to go_... Thank Merlin, he's asleep. Draco, he's asleep. Draco? DRACO!"

"Huh? What?"

"Were you asleep?"

"No! Of course not."

"You were."

"Not!"

"Sure..."

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End

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_The last bit of real song is copywrited by Snow Patrol. _


	4. Personal Problems

_This one is a little more graphic than any of the others...it deals with masturbation. Be warned!_

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Personal Problems

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"I'm sure it's perfectly normal."

"I'm oversexed, Draco. I think that's the problem."

"How can being oversexed be a problem? I don't even think there is such a thing. You're crazy, Potter."

"Maybe we should just take a break. I bet that would solve my problem."

"Break my ass, if you will pardon my pun. I'm not taking a break."

"How are you going to keep going without me?"

"I can think of a few ways..."

"If you're going to do that then go into another room."

"Harry, if you're going to be huffy about this then I'm not sure if I want you to have sex with me."

"There isn't any sex going on! I don't think there will be any going on!"

"That attitude isn't getting you anywhere, Harry. You're never going to...you know...if you're being negative."

"I'm not being negative. I just...I'm frustrated."

"I could tell."

"Now you're just being a prat. You aren't helping, you know."

"I tried that. It didn't work. Would you like to try again?"

"If it would keep you quiet."

"I highly doubt that. Why don't you try yourself."

"No. That's gross."

"You mean you've never done it before?"

"Of course not. Have you?"

"Err...no. Never."

"You HAVE! Why?"

"Believe it or not, I'm horny. Often."

"But...I...we..."

"Yes, well, I need to do it when you aren't here. And when you have your PROBLEM..."

"This has never happened before. Don't go making it sound like this is a common occurrence. Because it's not. I'm just stressed."

"Sure."

"Let's stop talking about me. So, you do...it...yourself...often?"

"Oh yes."

"How often?"

"Five or six times a day."

"And **I'M **oversexed."

"I don't do it because I need to, I do it because I'm bored."

"Bored?"

"Yeah."

"Why don't you take up a hobby? That would be better than beating off all the time."

"What would you have me do? Knit?"

"I could do with a few new jumpers."

"No. I'll turn into Ron's mum."

"I highly doubt that."

"Yeah, you're right. I'm sure she doesn't..."

"Don't."

"Fine."

"Oh _my_..."

"**Ew**."

"Ready to resume our previous activities?"

"We were talking about Ron's mum..."

"It wasn't our conversation that triggered...it...it was a mental picture..."

"**Ew**."

"Not of Ron's mum...of _you_..."

"Oh...but still ew."

"Shut up and kiss me."

"That's probably a good idea, before it decides to be shy again..."

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End

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	5. Pissed Problems

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Pissed Problems

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"I can't see! I can't see! Harry, I'm blind!"

"No you aren't."

"I swear I am! All I see is black..."

"That's because your eyes are closed. Open them."

"Oh. _OH_! Wow...I can see now. You are such a genius Henry."

"My name is Harry, and I'm not a genius. You're just mind-blowingly pissed."

"No I'm not, Harold. I'm completely sob..."

"Er...you just got sick on my shoes."

"So I did. Sorry."

"No you're not."

"You're right. I'm entirely too pissed to feel emotion."

"I'm sure."

"Hey Herb..."

"My name is Harry."

"I know that. I'm pretty drunk right now, but I'm pretty sure I'm pleased to meet you."

"You've met me before."

"I have? Oh, I have. Well...I have a wonderful idea."

"What does this idea entail?"

"Well...my boyfriend had plans tonight, and I was wondering if you would like to come back to my flat with me?"

"I'm going to your flat anyway."

"Really! That's where I'm going!"

"I'm shocked. Draco, I'm Harry. I'm your boyfriend."

"Oh. _Awkward_."

"No it's not."

"I know. I'm too pissed to feel emotion."

"You just said that."

"I did?"

"Yes."

"Oh. I'm sorry."

"No you're not."

"I know. I'm too..."

"Stop."

"Okay."

"Let's get you home, you can barely stand."

"Yes I can, silly. Look..."

"You aren't standing. You're lying down on the street."

"I know. Isn't it lovely? I think I'll just stay here."

"Not unless you want to get flattened by a double-decker. Come on."

"No. I's tired..."

"Draco, you're hair is getting ruined."

"Alright then. Let's go. Will you carry me?"

"Of course not."

"Ah well, worth a try."

"Draco, there isn't any music, stop dancing."

"I want to dance. I'm a dancing crazy man."

"Yes. Yes you are."

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End

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	6. Paranoia Problems

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Paranoia Problems

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"Draco?"

"What?"

"Why are you in the corner?"

"I'm not."

"Yes you are. You're sitting in the corner wrapped in our duvet."

"No I'm not."

"I'm not blind, Draco."

"I think you are. I'm doing no such thing."

"Draco, get up and come with me."

"No. I'm not going anywhere with you, not with them out there."

"Stop acting ridiculous. Come on."

"I'm not. Acting, I mean. They are out to get me."

"Who? Who's out to get you?"

"They. The voices don't elaborate."

"You're a prat. Do I not give you enough attention as it is? Do you think you need to act nutters to keep my eyes fully trained on you?"

"I'm not acting crazy, I just like being wrapped in a cocoon-like duvet, is all."

"Draco, I think you should go to a therapist. I'll go with you, we can do it together."

"Why the bloody hell would we need to do that? We don't have any problems, Potter! Our relationship is perfectly healthy, now if you please, I am waiting on a message from the people."

"You are absolutely..."

"Nuts? Thank you."

"You aren't nuts. I just think you have some issues you could use someone to talk to about."

"I have loads of..."

"_REAL_ people to talk to, Draco. And please stop acting nuts."

"I'm not acting, Harry and I don't need a muggle shrink. I'll talk to you instead of the people, okay? I'll only talk to people I can see."

"You've only just started talking to these so-called 'people'. I think you just want something from me."

"As a matter of fact..."

"Money? Goods and/or services?"

"I want you to come shopping with me. I don't think I can carry all of my bags on my own."

"Why didn't you just ask me to come with you?"

"What can I say, I thought crazy was the best route. Plus, I have a flair for the dramatics. Was I convincing?"

"No."

"Come on, I'm sure you thought I was a complete nutter there for a while."

"I thought you needed therapy, never that you were crazy."

"Come on, I must look nuts here in the corner."

"You always look nuts. If anything, you look more normal than usual. May I join you?"

"Climb on in my cocoon. I find it rather comforting."

"My poor baby."

"Yes, pity me Potter."

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End

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	7. Parking Problems

_The idea for this one came from Sutoriitoenzeru-Street Angel._

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Parking Problems

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"You're going too slow."

"If I go any faster the car makes funny noises."

"That's because you need to shift gears, love."

"Which is..."

"The stick. Put the stick in the next little slot."

"And my mind flows with sexual connotations. Okay, let me just..."

"Shit! Dray, it's in neutral!"

"Oops, wrong way. Maybe this one."

"There, thank _MERLIN_..."

"What? Did you not have any faith in me?"

"To be completely honest, not. You hadn't even seen a car before we moved into Muggle London. I was slightly terrified that we would die upon entering the car."

"We haven't died yet and we've gone a generous distance."

"But we did come to a complete stop in the middle of the road."

"There was no one around to see it, so it doesn't count. Where are we going, anyway?"

"We _were_ going that way, but you missed the turn."

"Oh."

"So...I guess we'll just keep going. I think there is a rather good café this way."

"Rub it in a little more, Potter."

"I was planning on it."

"Draco, too fast."

"There's no such thing."

"Slow down."

"Fine, now which pedal is the slow-down one?"

"You did _not _just ask that."

"Of course not. I know which pedal is which."

"No you don't."

"Of course not, but I can figure it out."

"That's refreshing."

"It should be."

"Oh, turn here. Turn!"

"I am! Don't scream at me, it just makes me more jumpy and nervous."

"I didn't scream."

"Yes you did! I was right here."

"Fine. Pull in here. Don't hit that lorry."

"I wasn't planning on it."

"Slow. Down."

"I. Am."

"Okay, now park it. You remember..."

"Of course I remember how. You told me how before we left."

"If you know how, then why are we rolling backwards?"

"Because I'm not done parking yet."

"There's a hill behind us, Draco."

"I know, I'm trying."

"Parking brake, love."

"Oh. Right. There, then."

"Thank Merlin. Now, let's eat. Don't forget to get the keys."

"Keys. Keys?"

"The jingly things that go by the steering wheel."

"Oh. More thoughts of sex."

"Just..."

"Fine. Shoot me down."

"With pleasure."

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End

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	8. Pizza Problems

_This idea came from lord of the potters_

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**Pizza Problems**

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"Are you sure you want to do this?" 

"Of course. How hard can it be?"

"You're kidding, right?"

"I suppose now. Go ahead and call."

"Great. How?"

"I wrote the number down next to the phone. You just type it in and wait until a voice is on the other line."

"Okay. Dialing...ringing...oh, hello? I would like to order some food from your establishment. What do you mean? Harry, he would like to know what we want."

"We talked about his. Pizza. We need pizza."

"Right. We would like to order a pizza with round, red spicy things on top. Perrconis or som...oh, yes, pepperonis. Those."

"Don't forget to tell them extra sauce, Dray."

"Crust? What's crust? Uh huh...I want the crunchy kind. Yes, thin. Oh and I need extra...what was it Harry?"

"Sauce, love."

"I need...are you listening to me? You can't be listening to me if you are carrying on a conversation with someone else. Yes, well, I understand that you have other obligations but I can assure you that none of them are more important than me."

"Draco..."

"Sir...sir, I assure you that I am most certainly not! I think you underestimate my power. I could turn you into a hamster so fast that no one would know what happed to that cheeky, pimply, greasy teenage muggle pizza bitch."

"Draco, watch yourself before you get..."

"I most certainly am not crazy. I was last Monday, but not today. Of course I can...you know what, just put extra sauce on the pizma, and if I so much as suspect that there is saliva on it, I'll be gaining Mr. Squiggins the happy hamster as a pet. Understand?"

"I thought you said no more pets, love."

"Shh...no, not you. Name? You want my name? Why do you need it? Oh...it's...it's Harry Potter."

"Your name isn't..."

"Alright, goodnight."

"You asshole! You gave them my bloody name?"

"Of course I did. You didn't think I would actually give them mine, did you?"

"Surprisingly enough, I did. I don't know why, it was stupid of me..."

"Most things you do are stupid, Harry."

"Sarcasm. How I missed that."

"I did too. You had better get a move on, he said it would be ready in about twenty minutes."

"I'm not getting it."

"Yes you are, they'll recognize my voice. It isn't safe."

"You are never safe. You reek havoc in places you have never visited."

"What can I say? It's what I do."

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**End**

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	9. Piercing Problems

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Piercing Problems

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"I've decided I don't want to do this."

"Oh COME ON! You said you wanted it done, Harry. You can't back out, I've already paid."

"Go and get your bloody money back then! I'm not doing it! It's going to hurt."

"No it won't. I..."

"Don't tell me it doesn't hurt! It hurts when you bite it. Why would I want to poke a hole through it and dangle things from it?"

"You don't have to dangle things from it. What, were you planning on wearing some horrible radish earrings like Loony Lovegood?"

"No..."

"Come on Harry, please? I'll let you pick a place for me to pierce."

"Anywhere?"

"Not...ANYWHERE. You're not driving a rod through my...well, you know..."

"Oh...god no. Wouldn't it get in the way?"

"I think you would learn to work around it."

"Ew. Draco, why does every conversation we have, however absurd, seem completely normal?"

"How the hell should I know that? It's because I am God, okay? Now, I commandeth thee to sit your holiest of arses down in that bloody chair and allow that horrendously over-tattooed women to pierce the nipple of your divine choice."

"How about she pierce YOUR nipple?"

"If that's the body part you choose, but you still have to pierce yours."

"No! You know what, fine. But you go first. I want you to pierce your tongue."

"Kinky."

"I'm serious."

"Tongue? But...I...that's not fair!"

"That's your problem. Now, stick out your tongue."

"Fuck you."

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"I'm not going to be able to wear a shirt for a year. I hope you're happy, Draco."

"Thut up, Hawwy. I can't thalk. My thongue hurts really bad."

"My nipple burns. This was a bad idea. I should have never let you talk me into this."

"You're an athse. I abthlolutely dethspise you."

"I'm glad, and stop talking like that, you sound mentally challenged."

"Thut it, Pother."

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**_End

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	10. Paint Problems

_The idea for this one came from N.C. PsyChic., Miriam Mrirund, and brionyjae.Thanks!_

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Paint Problems

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"I like that one."

"I don't care. I don't like it. It's gaudy. I like this one."

"It's _purple_ Draco. You want our flat to scream 'Hey, we are a flaming gay couple'?"

"It's not purple Harry, it's eggplant. It's tasteful, unlike that horrible red _you_ like."

"It's not horrible. It's nice. I'm painting the bathroom this colour."

"You can paint your bathroom that colour if you want, but I'll have nothing to do with it."

"Yeah, but you'll paint our living room _purple_."

"Eggplant. And I was thinking the bedroom would look..."

"_No_. No. Not the bedroom. You can paint your bathroom purple and deck it out in rainbow shag carpet and feather boas. I'll have nothing to do with it."

"Of course not. You'll just snog the life out of me when I'm done."

"Naturally. Now, what colour did you pick for the living room? Pink?"

"_No_. I got one called Parchment. It will look good with the brown leather furniture I got in London the other day."

"You got furniture? Where are you keeping it?"

"I haven't got it yet. We're having it delivered later in the week. Now, open that can and lets get painting. I want to have it finished today."

"Why? Are we having a decorator in tomorrow?"

"Actually..."

"You're kidding."

"She's not coming tomorrow, she's coming on Thursday. She helped me pick out the colours and everything."

"Draco, love, is all this really necessary? Why can't we just decorate our own house?"

"Because you can hardly pick out your own clothes, not to mention throw pillows."

"Whatever Draco. Hand me that roller."

"Here. Start at the top and work your way down. You can reach the top, right?"

"Of course I can. Not everyone is as short as you."

"Silence, Potter. I'm not short, you're just freakishly tall. You are incredibly odd looking and awkward. I don't believe I love you."

"Thank you. You're ugly yourself."

"Am not."

"I'm not the one with Parchment paint on my face."

"I don't have paint on my face."

"Fine, don't listen to me, but I would get it off before it dries."

"There isn't paint on my face. I...I need to go to the loo."

"And check your face."

"No..."

"Sure. Just don't get paint on anything."

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**_End_**

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	11. Potter Problems

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Potter Problems

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"Hey Potter?"

"Harry."

"No, you're Harry. I'm Draco."

"That's not what I meant."

"Then what did you mean, Potter?"

"I meant that my name isn't Potter, it's Harry."

"Technically, your name _is_ Potter."

"I hate you. Must you always make me feel absolutely stupid? You aren't better than I."

"Since when?"

"Your...oh I hate you."

"And you already said that. Really Potter, you lack originality."

"_Harry_."

"You also need your head examined. Anyone who refers to themselves in third person has some _serious _issues..."

"Arse. Listen, I'm going to go our room for a while. You're grating on my last nerve."

"Now come on Potter, I didn't mean to."

"_Harry_."

"Okay, fine...Harry. I don't want you to go. If anything, I want to spend more time with you."

"Are you planning on following me into the loo? We spend all our time together."

"If that's what it takes. I...I love you, Harry. I don't want to spend time apart."

"Really?"

"Yes Potter, really."

"_Harry_."

"I'm not going to say anything mean. See, I'm already doing better."

"We'll see. You have to keep this up Malfoy, or I'm going away for a while. Alone. With a beautiful Puerto Rican man."

"Watch it Potter...I...I mean Harry."

"Very good. Now...let's go to dinner or something."

"I'd rather not, I'm tired. Let's go get in bed."

"I thought you were tired."

"Listen Pot...Harry, when I say I'm tired that means I want sex. I want sex."

"Of course you do. I really don't. I don't find you using my surname as an incredible turn on."

"Oh come on. I'll call you Harry all the time. It's harder than you think. I've known you has Potter my entire...my entire existence."

"What's with the dramatics? I'm crying over here."

"Very funny."

"Always. Are you still in need of sex?"

"Always."

"Come on then Malfoy."

"Hey, if I have to call you Harry, you have to..."

"No. I'll have to relearn my entire existence."

"Of course. How silly of me."

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**_End

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	12. Pain Problems

_This idea came from brionyjae. Thanks!_

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Pain Problems

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"Ow ow ow."

"Harry, just calm down."

"Ow ow ow."

"Why did you stick your hand in there anyway?"

"Ow...I accidentally dropped your watch down here and I was trying to get it. Now, my hand is stuck."

"You dropped _my_ watch? Get it! Do you have it? Did you get it? Is it in your hand?"

"Yes, or at least I think it is. I'm actually not entirely sure I have any more fingers."

"You're such a drama queen!

"You're a bloody drama queen! You're the one who yelps if I so much as touch you too hard. Now, if you would be so kind as to help me free my hand from this...ow...bloody rubbish disposal."

"Hold still..."

"Ow ow ow...Draco, quit yanking. That hurts!"

"How else am I to free your hand? Would you rather me lob it off?"

"Yes, I'm sure that would be the...ow, quit...best way to save your watch."

"Quite...no, I must save my watch. Can you some how feed it up before I chop your hand?"

"Funny."

"Funny? I wasn't trying to be funny. Seriously, can you?"

"Ow. No."

"Stop saying 'ow'; it's distracting."

"I'm sorry if I'm in pain. I didn't mean to inconvenience you. I'll keep to myself. Don't mind me."

"Oh hush it. Let's oil you up and yank you out."

"Ooh..."

"Pervert."

"Okay, I don't see how putting cooking oil on my arm is going to allow my hand to be free."

"Oh...yeah...I can't reach your hand. Should I just pour it down the drain?"

"As long as you get it on my hand."

"Drat. I can't do that, I'll ruin my watch."

"I don't think I'll be able to...ow...get out with your watch."

"You aren't dropping it. I need that! How else will I be able to tell time?"

"I'll buy you a new watch. Can I please, please, please just let it go?"

"No. I need it."

"You would rather have a one-handed boyfriend?"

"It's just your left hand. You'll still have your right. I like that one better anyway."

"Draco..."

"Fine. But you are getting me a better, more expensive one."

"Ow. Of course. Ahhh...there. All better.

"If only I could say the same for my poor watch..."

_

* * *

_

**End

* * *

**


	13. Parting Problems

_**

* * *

**_

Parting Problems

* * *

"Come on Harry, I'm sorry."

"No. I warned you Draco. You just kept pressing my buttons."

"I can change! Look at me, I'm changing right now! I was frowning two seconds ago, now I'm smiling. Look, I'm smiling!"

"That's not a smile Dray. That's a grimace. You look pained."

"I am. Pained, I mean. You're seriously going on holiday?"

"Yes."

"Of course. You wouldn't lie to me. How could I be so foolish. Did...did I make you mad? If so, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. Please stay?"

"You didn't make me mad. It really has nothing to do with you. Hermione and Ron just invited me to go skiing with them."

"Why can't _I_ go? I love your...your..."

"Friends. They are my friends."

"Yeah. That. Harry, you can't go. You'll get hurt, and I don't want to have to cater to you when all of your limbs are broken. You can just stay here with me."

"Draco, I won't get hurt. I promise I'll be really, really careful. I'll come back to you in one piece. Hermione said skiing isn't that hard."

"So why can't I go again?"

"Tell me Draco, what is skiing?"

"It's...It's a form of interpretive dance?"

"Exactly. You don't even know what it is. I'll be back in two days. You can redecorate the house if you want."

"I just did that. I might just do your bathroom."

"You aren't touching my bathroom."

"Okay. Listen, if you get sick of skiing, I'm more than happy to come and get you."

"Draco..."

"Just a suggestion. Fine, have fun dancing around with your little friends."

"Bye, love."

"Bye."

"Are you going to give me a kiss?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I might cry."

"Why?"

"Because I'll miss you."

"Aww...I'll miss you too. Can I at least get a hug?"

"Okay."

"I love you. See you in a couple of days."

"Do you really have to go?"

"Yes."

"Fine, but don't come back concussed. I'm not cleaning up any vomit or blood."

"Alright. I'll be careful."

"Don't just be careful. Don't ski. Just watch. Watching is more fun."

"Since when?"

"Since I said. I'm god, remember?"

"How's your tongue, by the way?"

"I guess you'll have to wait until you get back from your trip to find out, won't you?"

"Prat."

_

* * *

_

**End

* * *

**


	14. Power Problems

_This idea came from AmorLunaris. Thanks!_

_**

* * *

**_

Power Problems

* * *

"That doesn't go there, Harry. The green cable goes in the green...hole-thingy. I don't think your doing it right."

"I've done this before, Draco. The green cable goes in the red hole."

"That's not what the instructions say."

"Dash the instructions. Let me just stick it in the...OW! SSSHIT! I just got fucking _ELECTROCUTED_!"

"That must have hurt. Your hair looks more horrible than usual."

"Your concern is appreciated. You know what, I don't think the green wire goes in there."

"No shite."

"I can't feel my feet."

"That's normal."

"Is not."

"Oh well, that's what you get for not listening. I have the bloody instructions and yet you still chose not to listen. Typical man."

"You did not just say that. You're the typical woman, then. Everything you say is always right, however absolutely absurd."

"Of course I'm always right. And here I thought you were dumb."

"Just shut up and let me finish hooking up this television set."

"Why did I let you talk me into this stupid muggle device?"

"Because you love me and I wanted it?"

"No. It's because I'm stupid. I'm bloody stupid. I'm more stupid than you are when it comes to you."

"Give me that wire please."

"Here. Hurry up and get this set up. I've got better things to do than sit here and tell you what to do."

"Since when? That's all you ever do. That's all you're good at."

"You're making me angry."

"I take that back. Your good at telling me what to do _and_ being angry at me."

"To be fair, you're mad at me more than I'm mad at you."

"That's because you are constantly doing things to purposefully make angry."

"I don't mean to. I think you hate me. Deep down, you hate me, don't you?"

"Of course not, now plug that in the wall."

"Do you want me to make a hole in the wall to stick it in?"

"There's a plug there, Dray. Plug it in."

"Oh. Right."

"Are you kidding? You're kidding."

"Always, love."

"Okay, let's try and turn it on. One, two, three..."

"Damn. Are you sure you plugged the wires in right?"

"Yes. Did you plug it into the wall?"

"Of course."

"Draco?"

"Yes?"

"That's the lamp plug. The telly one is right there."

"Oh."

_

* * *

_

**End

* * *

**


	15. Professional Problems

_**

* * *

**_

Professional Problems

* * *

"Stupid idea."

"No it's not."

"Is. Now when are you going to spend all of your time with me?"

"Never. That's partly the point."

"I resent that. Why work, though?"

"Because I want to. It's just an office job. Ron needed an extra secretary and I don't do anything."

"But what about _me_?"

"You have things to do."

"No I don't. I have the telly. Harry, please come home."

"I can't. The job will be over in a few weeks and I will hope that my short stint as a Ministry paper pusher will have cured my restlessness."

"_I_ could cure your restlessness. If you would have told me, I could have done something exciting."

"Draco, your idea of exciting is changing our duvet."

"And _your_ idea of exciting is sitting at a bloody desk all day and answering the phone. That really gets my blood racing and hard pumping."

"Sarcasm."

"Quite."

"You had better be glad I answered the phone. I could have just let it ring."

"You wouldn't. You missed me."

"I didn't know it was you. I'm actually waiting on a call from one of Ron's colleagues."

"Oh, am I keeping you from doing your job?"

"Now that you mention it…"

"Not very professional, taking personal calls on the job. Couldn't you be sacked?"

"Yes."

"Oh. So…tell me how much you love me in vivid and nauseating detail. Use my name as much as possible. And talk overly loud."

"No thank you."

"Please? But I love you so…"

"Draco, we aren't having this conversation. I'll be home in a few hours, you have time to, I don't know, make a fragrant flower arrangement for the dining room table."

"Don't mock. It looked beautiful and smelled lovely."

"Beautiful and lovely. I've become a heterosexual after all."

"Funny, here I thought that I was a man, unless I've misplaced my bits…"

"Last I saw them they were…"

"Harry, Harry…this really isn't appropriate talk for work. However, I will require your assistance in finding my manhood. Unless, of course, you wish to remain heterosexual."

"Okay. Listen, Ron just walked in so I have to go. Yes, yes Mr. Lovelyn. Thank you. Bye. _Love you pet_."

"You're an arse. Bye, Mr. Potter. Have a nice, ordinarily professional day."

_

* * *

_

**End

* * *

**


	16. Passions Problems

_I had so many people suggest this one that I couldn't resist. Thanks to everyone who said to do a soap opera one!_

* * *

**_Passions Problems

* * *

_**

"What is this tosh?"

"They are my stories. I had to do something while you were at work, didn't I?"

"Yeah, but this? This shite is just…"

"Gripping television."

"I've got no idea what is going on."

"You wouldn't. You've only watched about five minutes of it. She is pregnant with the red-haired bloke's baby, but he is married to her sister. But, get this, the sister is having an affair with her sister's husband, but I think he is a closet case."

"Rubbish."

"Is not."

"Let's watch a talk show or something. There has to be something better on."

"Talk shows are for middle-aged housewives who have nothing better to do while their husbands are away."

"And soap operas are for Twenty-something gay wizards who have nothing better to do while their boyfriends are away?"

"I…you…yes, I guess they are!"

"You live in your own little world, love."

"It's nice here."

"You know Dray, I could always go back to work."

"No you couldn't, not after Ron fired you for our little Phone Sex-a-thon. He wouldn't take you back."

"You did that on purpose. You must have had inside help to pull that off."

"Maybe I did. I think he reason he reacted so bad is because you kept pretending I was one of your clients. He probably assumed I was Mildred Bolmes in the Auror Training office."

"That's disgusting. Have you seen that woman?"

"Your fault. Now hush, it's coming back on."

"Who is he?"

"That's the pregnant woman's gay husband."

"How can he be gay if he is having an affair with her sister?"

"Simple, her sister is a man. I figured that out ages ago."

"Okay, now you're…oh. OH. That's…this is…"

"Quality entertainment."

"Then how are they married if they are both men?"

"Because no one knows that she is actually a he."

"Not even her…his…its sister?"

"Of course not."

"How? Has he been cross-dressing since birth?"

"No. His bits were so small everyone thought he was a girl."

"Really?"

"No. I made that up."

"You should write these, you're twisted enough."

"From you, that is a compliment."

"Believe me, it shouldn't be."

* * *

**_End

* * *

_**


	17. Popsicle Problems

_This one came from a suggestion by brionyjae in which she mentioned ice cream. I don't know, I just thought she should get a little credit for the spark she provided. _

_**

* * *

**_

Popsicle Problems

* * *

"Stop eating it like that."

"Eating what like what?"

"Don't play daft. You're purposefully eating it like that."

"I don't know what you are talking about."

"Why can't you bite it like a normal person?"

"Bite it? Ow..."

"Come on. I bite it. That's why mine is half gone."

"Obviously. No, my teeth are sensitive. I have to suck on it."

"Must you suck on it like _that_?"

"I don't know what you are talking about. I think I have already said that."

"You're swirling your tongue around the base then sucking. You have the entire thing in your bloody mouth."

"I have amazing oral capacity. What can I say?"

"Draco, that's just..."

"Stop watching me if it bothers you so much."

"That's just it. I can't stop watching you. That's why you have to stop."

"If I stop eating it, it will melt. Then my hands will be all sticky and red-stained. I don't want that."

"It's a safe alternative."

"Only for you. Me eating _my_ popscicle isn't bothering me. As a matter of fact, I'm enjoying it immensely. These are wonderful."

"I know. Actually, I think you are enjoying it to much."

"If either of us is enjoying it too much, it's you. You're the one getting erotic thoughts."

"I never said I was having erotic thoughts, you're just oozing sex right now."

"No I'm not. I'm enjoying a lovely popscicle."

"You're just too sexy for your own damn good, then."

"I already knew that. Get with the program."

"Just finish your icy treat."

"I'm savouring. I've never had one before."

"They really aren't that wonderful."

"That's true. I can think of at least one thing I enjoy more..."

"See, there you go again."

"I'm not doing anything."

"Of course not. Just finishing giving your popscicle head."

"Oh, I will. Maybe I should start vocalizing my sheer delight."

"Maybe you shouldn't. I wouldn't."

"_Ooh_...this is _sooo_ good..."

"Stop it."

"_Mmmm_..."

"Draco..."

"_Aaahhh_..."

"You're not convincing."

"Oh well. I'm done anyway."

"Good."

"Are there any more?"

"Why?"

"I would rather like to try the orange flavour."

"I'm not giving you another one."

"I'll just find them."

"You can't."

"I will, and I'll enjoy every..._last_...one..."

"As long as I can watch."

_

* * *

_

**End

* * *

**


	18. Potion Problems

_**

* * *

**_

Potion Problems

* * *

"What is that smell?"

"It depends on how angry you'll get when you find out."

"Did you burn something down?"

"Now Harry, why would you assume I _burned_ something _down_?"

"Because something smells burned. I assumed, seeing as your shirt has singe marks on it, that you were responsible."

"Drat. I should have disposed of the shirt."

"You should have not burned something! What did you do, try to cook again?"

"_No_. I was making a potion and I got too close to the burner, is all."

"Potion. Why were you making a potion?"

"Because you forbade me from cooking."

"Potions is a form of cooking."

"Is not."

"Of course it isn't love. Now, what lethal and potentially Harry-poisoning potion did you make?"

"It isn't for you. If it was for you I would possibly have told you about it."

"No you wouldn't. You would make it and slip it into my tea."

"More than likely, but I would tell you about it later."

"No you wouldn't. You would laugh gleefully as its effects became all to clear to everyone but me, and you _still_ wouldn't tell me."

"You're right. I do so love to watch you suffer."

"And the truth comes out. What's the potion for, anyway?"

"To grow thick, manly chest hair."

"Is not. Body hair makes you gag."

"No, _you__r_ body hair makes me gag. It gets caught in my throat. I'm constantly coughing up Harry hair balls."

"Gross."

"Worlds of gross."

"Seriously, why are you making potions?"

"Not potions. A potion."

"Quit dodging."

"Am not."

"Draco…"

"You'll find out soon enough. I want it to be a surprise."

"Surprise?"

"Yes. Now, let's have sex."

"Yes master."

"Damn straight."

_

* * *

_

**End

* * *

**


	19. Panic Problems

_**

* * *

**_

Panic Problems

* * *

"Could you be any more annoying?"

"Possibly. I can't help it."

"You're being stupid. You need to calm down."

"What if they don't like me? What if they hate me? Oh Merlin, I'm going to be sick. This was a stupid idea. Why did I let you talk me into such a stupid, stupid idea?"

"You really need to calm down. They're kids, Draco. You don't need to be afraid of kids. You already know Ryan, he'll be more than happy to introduce you to his friends."

"But…it's Weasley and Granger's kid. I'm…Harry, I don't need to know how to deal with kids."

"You said you did. You said you wanted to know how to handle kids. I was surprised, to be honest."

"I changed my mind. I…I might break one! Oh…no…no, I'm going to break someone's kid and they are going to hate me and…and…"

"Quit panicking. And stop pacing, you're making me sick."

"I can't."

"Draco, I'm not sure that it's possible to break a kid. I've never seen it done."

"Of course you haven't seen it; they don't just walk around breaking kids in public. No, it's possible. I saw it on the news."

"You don't know what the news is."

"Do too! You forget that you left me all alone for an extended period of time. I watched the news! I am up to date on the nation's current events."

"There is no way that you heard a report saying that someone broke their baby. You don't 'break' a baby."

"I didn't say baby. I said kid."

"Same. Thing."

"No it isn't, now hush, I'm panicking."

"And you need silence?"

"Naturally. Harry…Harry I don't want to go. What if they cry? I won't know what to do! What if they get sick? I have a weak stomach, I can't handle that."

"Don't forget about them wetting themselves. That's pretty bad too."

"I…I didn't think of that! Harry! I can't do it. Can't, I say!"

"Yes you can. You're god, remember?"

"Yes…yes I am, aren't I?"

_

* * *

_

**_End

* * *

_**


	20. Pudgy Problems

_**

* * *

**_

Pudgy Problems

* * *

"I need new trousers."

"Why? You just bought some."

"Yes, but that is no excuse. I still need new trousers."

"Is there even a point in asking why you need new trousers?"

"Probably not."

"Fine. You can wear my trousers if you need new ones."

"Yours aren't new."

"They are new to you."

"They are most assuredly NOT new to me. I've had close and intimate relations with your trousers. If anything, I'm more familiar with your trousers than mine."

"Why must you always stall? Tell me why you need new trousers."

"I…you…you ruined all of them the last time you did laundry. It's your fault."

"How did I ruin them? I followed the directions!"

"You shrunk them. They don't fit anymore. I can't fasten them."

"You…you can't fit your trousers?"

"No. They FIT, they just SHRUNK. It's your FAULT."

"Love, I don't think…"

"Are you calling me FAT? Am I getting FAT to you?"

"Of course you aren't. I just…"

"No. No. Don't try to justify yourself. I'm sorry you find me so ridiculously, repulsively obese that you can barely LOOK at me without getting sick all over yourself."

"That is NOT what I was going to say. Let me see your stomach."

"No."

"Please?"

"No. I'm not going to show you my large belly."

"You do not have a large belly. It's small."

"But it's a belly nonetheless."

"Not a belly. A tummy."

"You're a child."

"Let me see."

"Fine, but don't laugh. Or poke. There, happy?"

"Oh Draco, I think it's cute."

"You would. You're nutters."

"No really. It means you're happy."

"Yes, and soon I shall dress up in a bright red suit and run around calling myself Father Christmas."

"You don't have to do that."

"Yes, I believe I do."

"Come here love. I love you. All of you."

"You're a chubby chaser, Potter. You disgust me."

"I love you too."

_

* * *

_

**End

* * *

**


	21. Pregnancy Problems

_**

* * *

**_

Pregnancy Problems

* * *

"Draco, love; are you alright?"

"Yes, yes, I'm absolutely spiffing. Just a second, love, I'll be with you in a moment, let me finish _puking_."

"Come on Draco, tell me what's wrong. You've been a bit off colour for a while. Do you have the flu or something?"

"No, you arse, I don't have the bloody flu. If you don't mind I would like to throw up in peace. Go talk to the dog or something."

"I need to talk to you about this. There's something going on and I want to know. Does this have to do with that potion you've been taking?"

"I only took it once."

"I didn't ask how many times you took it. I asked you what was going on."

"Well Harry, if you can't figure it out than it's not important. You're so intelligent, it mist be so horribly complex."

"What is with you! You are so mood-swingy. You…you must be…"

"Finally figured it out, have you? You're an idiot, Potter. Total idiot."

"You're…you're turning into a woman, aren't you? Why would you do this to me?"

"Idiot, Potter. It's not possible for me to become a woman. You've been…God, you're an arsehole."

"You sure are acting like a woman. I want to know what's wrong with you."

"Nothing. Like I said, I'm spiffing. Corking, even."

"Fine. You know what, I don't care. I don't care that you smell like sick, that you're fat, and that you're moody. Don't care. I'll just go."

"No. No love, don't leave. Do you really want to know?"

"Of course I don't. Did I mislead you by constantly asking you?"

"Sarcasm isn't your forte, Harry."

"And your opinion isn't appreciated."

"Please, please, please don't be angry with me. Please."

"What did you do? More importantly, why did you stop arguing with me?"

"Shut it Potter, I'm trying to beg you not to be angry. Pay attention."

"Just spit it out. What's wrong?"

"N-nothing is wrong. It's just…"

"Come out here, I want to look you in the eye."

"Why, because they're beautiful?"

"No. Because you're shifty. The only way I can tell that you're lying is if I'm looking right at you."

"Okay. Fine. Happy? Now you can look into my shifty eyes as I lie to your face."

"You're going to lie? Because if you are just going to bloody lie, I'll just…"

"Joking. Joking. I was just joking! Ha ha…"

"Well? Out with it."

"Promise me you won't freak out."

"I promise."

"And…and promise you won't hate me."

"Not any more than usual."

"Okay…well, what would you say if I told you I was pregnant?"

"I would probably question why and when you became a woman, and possibly make up a childish song in which I say over and over 'I told you so'."

"I am _not_ a woman! Why does everyone say that? It hurts my feelings."

"Since when do you have feelings? Aww…love, don't cry. Please?"

"Well, I'm sorry if my crying upsets you."

"Draco, please love, just tell me…"

"I'm…I'm pregnant."

"Potion?"

"Yes."

"Harry-poisoning potion?"

"Yes."

"Mine?"

"No, it's Hermione's. Of course it is, you ponce."

"Oh."

"Are…are you all right?"

"N…"

"Shit. _I'm_ the one who faints! Potter! Potter…"

_

* * *

_

**End**

**

* * *

**


	22. Pickle Problems

_**

* * *

**_

Pickle Problems

* * *

"I want one."

"No, it's gross."

"Harry, I really, really want one."

"_No_. I'm not giving you one. You have ice cream, you don't need..."

"Yes I do. They sound horribly tasty."

"No they don't. Ice cream and pickles does in no way sound horribly tasty."

"I'm sorry. Do you truthfully want your spawn to be disfigured just because you didn't want to give me a pickle? When little Potter-Malfoy asks me, with tears flowing down his or her face, why _you_ don't love them, I'll have to say 'because your father is an arsehole and he wouldn't give me a pickle'."

"It's Malfoy-Potter, and I'm sure he or she will believe you when you say the reason stems back to a pickle. That's absurd."

"Yes, but our child will believe everything I say."

"No one in their right mind will ever believe everything you say."

"Yes, yes, now give me a pickle."

"No. If you want one so badly, then get up and get one yourself."

"I can't. Oh, I see how it is. You want to sit back and laugh as I wiggle around and strain myself to get up. Very amusing, Mr. I Still Have A Waistline."

"You're such a..."

"Spare me. Pickle. Now."

"I was going to get you one, but now..."

"Pickle."

"No, my name is Harry. Now, eat your ice cream. If you still want a pickle after that, I'll get you one."

"I've already finished my ice cream. I _want_ a _fucking_ pickle."

"Okay, okay. I'm going."

"Get me a big, juicy one from the bottom of the jar. Wipe all the juice off, and make sure there is no stem. Harry? Are you listening?"

"Yes, here's your damn pickle."

"Thank you. Mmmm...pickle."

"You don't even want it anymore, do you?"

"Not particularly."

"Thought not."

_

* * *

_

**End**

**

* * *

**


	23. Patience Problems

_**

* * *

**_

Patience Problems

* * *

"I want to see him."

"Say it again, maybe they'll hear you this time. I'm sure the thousandth time is the charm."

"Shut it. I'm just anxious. I didn't get to see him. Did you see him?"

"No, I was in so much pain that I missed him. What's your excuse?"

"I...well..."

"You fainted, didn't you?"

"I didn't _faint_, I just..."

"Fainted."

"Yes! I mean no. I passed out. A little. But still, I would have thought YOU would have..."

"Don't try to guilt me into thinking I should have stayed totally coherent while birthing your child."

"I wasn't, it's just that you had pain numbing spells all over you. You didn't feel anything."

"Did too! You don't know. I had a _hole_ in my _stomach_. It hurt."

"Whatever. The healer said you would feel only slight pressure."

"Only if you think slight pressure is someone hitting you in the bollocks with a sledgehammer."

"You're exaggerating. Anyway, I really, really, really want to see him."

"Patience, love. The healer said that he'll bring him down after they've given him his shots. He'll be here soon enough."

"But...but, I really want to see him. Would it kill them to bring him down here to do all that rubbish?"

"Do you really want to want to watch them poke our child repeatedly with needles?"

"They, they do that? Oh shit, we need our baby. Now. Where is he?"

"Let's go down to the maternity ward and see him."

"Yes. Yes, let's go. Get in your damn wheelchair."

_**

* * *

"He's..."**_

"Wow."

"I..."

"I know."

"First name is James."

"Middle is Adonis."

"Deal."

"I..."

"I know, love."

"He's..."

"Perfect."

_

* * *

_

**End**

**

* * *

**


	24. Pink Problems

_**

* * *

**_

Pink Problems

* * *

"No no no no."

"Please?"

"No. No bleeding way."

"But I've already opened it. I can't take it back after I've opened it."

"I don't care. You're not painting James' room pink."

"He's not going to care, he's probably colour-blind anyway. I think it's pretty."

"Seriously Draco, a little boy's room isn't meant to be pink. And he's not colour blind. I let him pick out his clothes."

"He can't pick out his clothes, he can barely lift up his head."

"He can too. He can also say 'dada'."

"Can not! He doesn't make any sounds at all. He doesn't even cry."

"I heard him. He said it quietly."

"You're lying. Now, go wake him up, I want him to watch me paint his room."

"No! Firstly, I'm not going to wake him up, and secondly, I am going to take him outside. Fumes aren't good for babies."

"Fine, but I'm painting his room pink."

"No."

"Purple?"

"Fuck no."

"Then pink it is."

"No. You'll give him identity issues."

"Please. My room was blue and look how I turned out! Hopefully, if I paint the room PINK, he'll turn out normal."

"Nothing with hair _that_ blonde can turn out normal. You have cursed our son with your hair."

"You cursed him with your eyes."

"Those aren't a curse, they are a blessing."

"Of course they are, love. Now, go get your son and take him outside. I have a whole lot of painting to do."

"Just…just PLEASE don't make it look girly. As least make it APPEAR that you acknowledge that we have a son, not a daughter."

"Okay. Now go and get…"

"Dada? Dadadadada…"

"_SEE_! I told you he could say it! Coming, Jamie…"

"And you say that I thought he's a girl…"

"Shut up Draco, come here love. Aww...you crawled in here all by yourself, did you? Draco, why…why didn't you put him in the bed?"

"Because he doesn't like it. He told me."

"Right."

"Well, if he can say 'dada' than he can say 'Yes, well, I prefer to sleep on the floor if you don't mind, father.'"

"Of course he can. He mastered full sentences at the tender age of six months."

"Our kid is a bloody genius."

_

* * *

_

**End**

**

* * *

**


	25. Papa Problems

* * *

_**Papa Problems**_

_**

* * *

**_"Say 'Papa', Jamie." 

"Dada."

"I'm not daddy, love. I'm Papa."

"Draco, he can't say it."

"Shut it, Potter. Now come on Jamie, Papa is easier to say than 'Dada'."

"Dada. Ghrufp"

"Come on now, Ghrufp isn't even a proper word."

"Draco, I don't think…"

"Silence from you. Now…come on love, it's not that hard. Papa."

"Hrth."

"Once again, not a word. Maybe…maybe Draco would be easier to say."

"I'm sure. Do you really want our child to call you by your Christian name?"

"Christian name my arse. Papa, love, Papa!"

"Ath."

"Shit. He…"

"Good show, love. Let's teach our child curse words."

"I didn't mean to. I don't think that's what he meant to say. Papa."

"Ath Dada Ghrufp."

"Ha! He called you an arse Daddy. And a Ghrufp, whatever the hell that is meant to mean."

"Terribly amusing, I assure you."

"Damn well should be. Come on Jamie, you're first word was 'Dada', at least give me the dignity of possibly saying my name. Come on love, you can do it."

"Mama."

"W…"

"He…HA! Ha, I say!"

"No, no, I'm not your Mummy, love. Papa!"

"Mamamamama…"

"Shit…"

"Alright Mummy, I think you should…"

"No! I'm not bloody stopping until he says my name. PAPA!"

"Ghrufp. Ath Mama."

"Forget it. I quit."

"That would be wise."

* * *

**_End

* * *

_**


	26. Pox Problems

_**

* * *

**_

Pox Problems

* * *

"How the hell did this happen?"

"I just…took him to the park, and I…"

"He's…"

"Spots, Mummy! Got spots!"

"I know love, you're all spotty! HARRY, WHY IS HE ALL SPOTTY?"

"They are chicken pox, I think. He's been scratching them."

"Harry, how did he get chicken pox from the park? Does it come from grass?"

"Mummy, Mummy, lookie! 'Pots."

"Yes, yes I see them. And I'm not your Mummy, no matter what Daddy tells you."

"I never told him to call you Mummy. Anyway, Chicken pox aren't that bad, I had them when I was little."

"They look horrible, and they can scar you if you scratch them. He's only three, love. Plus, I could get them, I've never had them."

"Mummy, this one looks like a kitty-kitty! Look! Look!"

"I know James, I saw it. Now, don't touch me."

"Draco! Don't tell him not to touch you."

"I don't want those spots, Harry. I don't want them."

"Itchy, Daddy! They itch. I want a puppy."

"We aren't getting a dog, and stop scratching. Harry, go put some lotion or something on him to make him stop pawing at his skin."

"Why can't you do it?"

"Because I might get infected…"

"Juice! Juice! Juice! Juice! Hey, look what I can do!"

"That's nice, love. Seriously, look at him. He's all blonde and blotchy and…horribly cute. Except that he's tearing his skin off."

"James, love, stop scratching them, it will make them worse."

"James Adonis Malfoy-Potter, stop that this instant. No juice."

"But…but…I WANT it."

"No. You listen to you Daddy."

"And your Mummy."

"I'm not his Mummy, Harry."

"Juice."

"No."

"No, James."

"Stop sticking out your tongue."

"Juice! I itch! Itchy itchy itchy."

"Harry…"

"Fine, I'll go put some lotion on him."

"Thank you. Now, take him away quick before I get those wretched spots."

"Bye Mummy!"

"Not your Mummy. I'm Papa."

"Yes, bye Mummy."

"Silence, Potter."

"Itchy. And I STILL want juice."

* * *

"Juice."

"Alright James, I'll get you some juice. Do you need anything, Draco?"

"Don't talk to me."

"It's not my fault you didn't have them as a child."

"Daddy, I want JUICE!"

"Okay James. Watch your Mummy and make sure he doesn't scratch his spots, alright?"

"I don't need James to watch me. I won't scratch."

"I trust you Draco. I'll be right back with your juice, pet."

"DADDY! MUMMY IS SCRATCHING HIS SPOTS!"

"DRACO!"

"I was NOT! James, you weren't meant to tell him…"

* * *

**End**

**

* * *

**


	27. Please Problems

_Azuluna gave me this idea! Thanks!_

_**

* * *

**_

Please Problems

* * *

"Thirsty."

"Just a minute, James."

"Harry, get him something to drink."

"I'm busy. You get him something."

"Get me a dink!"

"James! I said just a minute."

"Get him a drink, Harry."

"Stop teaming up on me! Say please, James."

"No! I want a dink!"

"I'm not getting you a drink if you are telling me too. If you're so thirsty than go get it yourself."

"You're making the little boy get his own drink? He's doing his homework. Get him a drink."

"No."

"But I'm really thirsty. I haven't drunken all day."

"You haven't _drank_ all day, James."

"Don't correct his grammar, he's parched. Harry, you really should get him something to drink. Get me something while you are up."

"But I'm not up. I'm not getting up. You go get him something; you aren't doing anything. Maybe you don't care if our son has manners, but I do. I'm not getting him anything until he says 'please'."

"DINK!"

"JAMES! QUIT SCREAMING!"

"You're screaming too."

"SHUT IT, DRACO!"

"DINK NOW!"

"No."

"Harry, get him a dink."

"It's a drink. And not until he says please. He knows the terms."

"Do I have to, Mummy?"

"Yes Mummy, does he have to?"

"Yes James, you have to say please if you want Daddy to get you something to drink. You can't get someone to do what you want by ordering them to. Or at least not anymore. They tend not to listen."

"You are twisted, Malfoy."

"Daddy, will you _PLEASE_ get me a dink? I'm very perched."

"Parched love, it's parched."

"But perched works too."

"Yes, I suppose."

_

* * *

_

**End**

**

* * *

**


	28. Pyrokinetic Problems

_Another AzuLuna idea. _

_**

* * *

**_

Pyrokinetic Problems

* * *

"Jamie, Please take this medicine. Please."

"No Daddy, it's so, so gross. I don't like it."

"James, do what your Daddy says. He wants you to get better and stop catching your bed on fire."

"Draco!"

"What? Oh, I'm sorry if I don't like the house smelling like smoke. I'll shut up now."

"Good. Now come on love, take this medicine. It will make you all better."

"But I don't wanna! It's yucky and I hate it. Make Mummy take it."

"I resent that, and I'm not the one sneezing fire all over the place."

"Technically he isn't sneezing fire. When he sneezes, his mind…"

"Blah blah blah. I don't care. All I know is that he is ruining the drapes."

"Is that all you care about? Your drapes? James, take this."

"No. It's icky."

"James, I'm counting to three. You're going to take that medicine and stop setting everything on fire with your mind."

"Actually…"

"Don't correct me Potter. One…"

"James, please take this."

"No. No. No."

"Two…don't make me get to three. You won't like three."

"_HE_ is three, Draco. He seems to like it well enough."

"I would curse but James picks up those words rather well. He can't say Papa but he can say every curse word that comes out of your mouth."

"_MY_ mouth? You're the one who curses all the time. James, you had better take this before Mummy gets to three."

"Mummy won't. He loves me too much to make me dink icky medsin."

"Three. Drink it or no juice. Ever."

"Draco, don't threaten not to give him juice. That's just cruel."

"Well, why fuel the fire? He's going to burn our house down, Harry. To the ground. We need this, you realize. We have to live in it."

"Oh, I never noticed that. Go figure. James, you had better take this or no more juice."

"Ever? But…what if I get thirsty?"

"I guess you'll have to drink out of the toilet like a dog."

"You wouldn't let Snuffles drink out of the toilet."

"Yes, well, he did anyway. That's why he's gone. And the cat. They wouldn't take their medicine either."

"Stop scaring him. Please take this. Please. It's not that gross. Mummy will take some too with you."

"Really? He will? Really!"

"No!"

"Yes you will."

"Yes I will."

"Excellent. Here you both are, now…drink."

"YAY! Mummy has to take the icky medsin too!"

"I hate you Potter."

"Hey, as long as he isn't ruining the drapes."

_

* * *

_

**End**

**

* * *

**


	29. Party Problems

_**

* * *

**_

Party Problems

* * *

"I am so excited."

"You should be. We're throwing you the party of the century. You don't have a birthday every day."

"And I'm thankful for that every day. I wasn't really excited, I was being sarcastic. Completely and totally sarcastic."

"But Daddy, parties are _soo_ much fun! They've got candy and cake and toys and…me and Mummy worked very hard all days, you don't have to be scarsastic. What is scarsastic?"

"It's sarcastic, love. It means I was saying it, but I didn't really mean it."

"Daddy was being mean to me. He doesn't appreciate anything that I do. And he hates bunnies. And puppies."

"I wasn't being mean to your Mum, James. And I do appreciate him, I'm just nervous about the party. Also, I love puppies and hold no strong feelingseither way when it comes to bunnies."

"I want a puppy! Daddy, can I have a puppy for your birthday? I promise I'll take very good care of him and I'll play with him and love him."

"Maybe when you get a little older. Draco, could you possibly tell me the colour scheme of this party? Please don't tell me it's something flaming."

"Of course not. I got a rainbow table cloth and a lovely pink triangle-shaped cake. It should be the party of the century."

"You've already said that. And I hope you have time to change the theme. It's not appropriate for James."

"I like colours! They are pretty and I like them! I want some cake. Can we have cake? Why can't I have a puppy?"

"Too many questions, love. One at a time. You can't have any cake and you can't have a puppy. Draco, please tell me you were joking."

"Of course I am. Don't worry. I took into consideration your dignity. It's just a small party. I invited your friends and we'll just eat some cake and be all Gryffindorish and boring. James can open all of your presents and I'll give you your present from me later."

"Your present? Is it special?"

"Ooh, a special present! Can I open it too? Is it big? Is it a puppy?"

"You can't open it love, it's probably a present that isn't mean for little boys. It's for big boys."

"It's definitely not a puppy, James. Your birthday is coming, we'll see what you get. I'm not sure if I'm going to want to buy you anything since you insist on calling me mummy."

"He'll grow out of it Draco."

"Yes, I'll grow out of it, Dwaco."

"Don't call him Draco. He's your Mummy."

"Am not! Excuse me, but I have a certain triangular cake to pick up. I'm sure James would love to help you welcome guests and gather presents."

"I will hurt you if my cake is triangular. Be warned, Malfoy. Blood will be shed."

"It's not a triangle, Daddy. I helped pick it out. It's pretty and yummy because they gave me a little to test."

"Thanks Jamie. I knew Mummy wouldn't get me a cake I didn't like."

"Thanks for ratting me out, kid. That's the door. You should go get it James, I bet it is Uncle Ron and Aunt Hermione. You can play with that horribly whiny son of theirs."

"Draco! I can't believe you said that! He's Jamie's friend!"

"He is pretty whiny, dad. He tattles on me all the time and I don't even do anything."

"That isn't completely true James and you know it. You do just as much as you don't. You are like your Mummy."

"I resent that. I don't do anything and you are constantly on me for reasons I am yet to discover."

"Yes, I'm the disciplinarian. I'm the only one who gets anything done. You should appreciate everything I do."

"We do, Daddy. That's why we are throwing you the party of the centamy. _AND _Mummy got you a very special secret present. He didn't even tell _me_."

"I'm looking forward to it."

"You damn right should be. It's a good present."

"Draco! Not in front of James!"

"Dalm right not in front of me!"

_

* * *

_

**End**

**

* * *

**


	30. Playing Problems

_This one is just Harry and Draco, except for the little section in the middle that is James talking for his Harry and Draco dolls. You'll understand when you read it._

_**

* * *

**_

Playing Problems

* * *

"Take those from him"

"No, he likes them."

"Harry, you are scarring his childhood. You don't want to scar his childhood, do you?"

"Of course I don't. He's just playing, Draco. He's having fun. You wouldn't want to ruin that, would you?"

"That's why I told you to take them from him. Doesn't he have any proper toys to play with?"

"Those are proper toys."

"Not for a boy. Boys play with…err…cars and…what do boys play with?"

"I wouldn't know Draco, I didn't have any toys as a child."

"Rub that in a little more, make me feel bad. Why couldn't you have just bought something that looked like something you would have played with?"

"Because I let him pick out his toy and that is what he chose. He wanted two boys but they only had the one. Hence why that girl is dressed in boy clothes."

"Is he playing 'Mummy and Daddy'?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact he is. It's normal, in a sense. For a girl."

"What did I say? It isn't normal. Boys aren't meant to play with dolls."

"And families are meant to have a man and a woman. A Mummy and a Daddy."

"Lucky for Jamie he has both."

"Now you accept your Mummy roll?"

"I don't have much of a choice, do I?"

"I suppose not. It was rather cute when he opened them in the car. I bought that extra outfit for him when he said, 'But Daddy, why don't they have my family?' and my heart broke."

"Remind me not to send you shopping with James anymore."

"I'm serious! I told him that our family wasn't like most of the other families but I could make our family if he wanted."

"So you bought a blonde girl and dressed it up like a boy?"

"Naturally. She's you."

"Is not! I'm the boy, you are the girl."

"You're his Mummy."

"So? I'm always the girl."

"Since when are you a girl? I must say, that's news to me."

"It is not! You call me a girl all the time!"

"So? I use the term affectionately. To be fair, neither doll has any bits."

"True, but that one has tits."

"That settles it then. You are a tit, so you are the girl."

"I am NOT a tit."

"Fine. The doll is blonde, so you are the girl."

"I…well…we'll ask James."

"He'll only tell you the obvious."

"Then we won't ask him. Let's just listen to what he is saying. That should tell us which doll is which."

"Fine. Let's eavesdrop on our son."

* * *

"Dwaco, I told you not to do that!"

"You did not. I hate you so go to your room."

"I don't want to and your face is howrid."

"You're a wankrer."

"Stop saying those no-no words while James is here."

"Yes, we had better stop because we love James the mostest out of everyone in the world."

"Yes, but I love you too and our family is so much better than any other families."

" Specially Weasel King and Gwanger and they whiny and annoying son who eats all of James' cookies."

"Yes. Specially them."

* * *

"Is that really what we sound like?"

"I…I guess."

"Oh well. At least I'm the boy."

"Shove it, Potter."

_

* * *

_

**End**

**

* * *

**


	31. Public Problems

_This one reads:_

_Draco_

_Harry_

_Draco_

_James_

* * *

**_Public Problems

* * *

_**

"Hold my hand."

"Okay."

"Not you Harry, I was talking to James. Hold my hand, I'm afraid you will get stolen."

"I'm not going to get stolen, Mum. I'm just looking in the windows, I don't want to hold your hand."

"Why not? Am I not good enough to hold your hand in public?"

"You're good enough to hold my hand in public."

"Shut it, Potter. What is it James? Are you embarrassed?"

"NO! But…but I'm a big kid and I don't need to hold your hand. I'm almost ten."

"You are not almost ten, you just turned nine. Now hold my hand."

"I'll hold your hand."

"For Merlin's sake Harry, you're a full-grown man, I'm sure you can manage. James, there are some shifty people around here that would give their right leg for an annoying nine year old. Not sure why, but…"

"If I'm just an annoying child then why does it matter if I'm stolen? I'm sure you would like a right leg more than me anyways."

"I have no use for a severed limb. That's why I would hate to cut off one of your hands so I can hold it."

"I'll let you hold mine while it's still attached."

"Not NOW! James, I'm giving you until…"

"The count of three, I know. You're so predictable, Mum. Come up with something new."

"I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't dictate the punishments I've set for you if you refuse to hold my hand."

"I'll hold your…"

"Yes, yes, I KNOW you'll hold my hand. I don't want to hold your hand. I want James to admit he is embarrassed to hold my hand in public."

"I'm not embarrassed, I just don't see why I have to. We are the only people here."

"Are not. I saw a twitchy-looking blonde woman back there. She was probably wondering why an oddly attractive blond man was strolling down the street with a homeless person and a little boy who REFUSES to hold his hand."

"That twitchy-looking woman was just your reflection in the window of Madam Malkin's. And, like I said before, I'll hold your hand."

"Not in PUBLIC, Potter! James, ONE!"

"I think we've discovered the root of this problem, Mummy."

"TWO! And I have NO idea what you're talking about."

"You're ashamed to be seen with ME in public, Draco. You refuse to touch me and called me a homeless person."

"I…well…Harry, I'm not…"

"Told you Dad. He's ashamed of you."

"I'm not ashamed, I just…"

"You just what? I just want to hold your hand. Is that too much to ask?"

"No, it's not. If I hold your hand, will you drop this subject?"

"Yes."

"See, Dad will hold your hand and I don't have to."

"You're going to slow down and walk by me at the very least. Give me your hand, Potter."

"I love you Draco."

"Love you too."

"Eeewww."

"Shut it, James."

* * *

_**End

* * *

**_


	32. Price Problems

_This one reads:_

_Harry_

_Draco_

_Harry_

_James_

* * *

**_Price Problems

* * *

_**

"You aren't serious."

"No, that was your godfather. I'm merely Draco telling you that I'm buying James these robes for Hogwarts. They are really nice."

"You're jumping the gun a little when it comes to this. We still have a year left before he goes to Hogwarts."

"But I like them and statistics probe that it is highly unlikely that I will grow enough in one year that any robes I have now will be rendered unwearable when I do go to school."

"Your Mum told you to say that, didn't he?"

"You forgot the bit about how the quality guarantees years of wear, James."

"Stop teaching our child to mimic your insane ramblings, Draco. These robes are entirely too expensive for a ten-year old. You'll just muck them up."

"I won't muck them up Dad. I'll be very careful in them."

"I'm not buying you robes like this! You can have school the robes that are the same as everyone else's. I had just those ordinary robes and I survived."

"But you looked like a walking ball of rubbish. I refuse to have our exceptional child running about in horrible, itchy robes."

"You had no complaints when you borrowed my uniform back at school."

"Why did you borrow a Gryffindor uniform, Mum? Was it Halloween?"

"No, he got completely covered in mud once when I challenged him to a friendly game of one-on-one Quidditch."

"Care to explain how we ended up covered in mud if we were flying around in the _sky_?"

"Simple. You tackled me after I caught the snitch and beat you. You didn't really take well to be beating you every time we mounted our brooms."

"Mum wouldn't tackle you, 'specially if you were in the air."

"He really didn't tackle me until I had landed and he really didn't get very dirty until I smeared him into the ground."

"Care to tell your son what happened after you smeared me into the ground?"

"No, I don't. He doesn't need to know. Thanks for bringing that up, by the way. You'll know when you're older, James."

"I don't want to know anyways. Now, I want those robes."

"I'm not buying you those robes."

"Hand them here James, I'll buy them for you."

"No you won't."

"Yes he will, he said he would."

"He lied."

"No I didn't. Hand them here."

"No."

"Here Mum."

"I said NO!"

"Don't care. I'm paying for these. See you in a mo'."

"Does no one even HEAR what I SAY anymore?"

"No."

"AH!"

"I'm sorry, what was that, Harry?"

"Yes, what did you say, Dad?"

"Nothing. Nothing at all. Dear Merlin, I've created a monster."

"Well, technically Harry, I created him."

"YES! HE'S _YOUR_ FAULT."

"Just pay for my robes."

* * *

_**End

* * *

**_


	33. Pity Problems

_this one reads:_

_Harry_

_James_

_Harry_

_Draco_

_the second part reads:_

_Harry_

_Draco_

_**

* * *

**_

Pity Problems

* * *

"Wake up."

"No."

"Good, you're awake. Now get up, we're cleaning the house today."

"Since when? We aren't _cleaning_."

"Yes we are. We are going to have this place spotless before James leaves. We are going to use our free child for manual labour purposes. Quite genius, actually."

"No, it's not. Not genius at all. I'd come up with a new plan if I were you."

"But you aren't."

"Thank Merlin. One Harry is bad enough."

"Hateful. Now, get up James! We have to buy you all sorts of things for Hogwarts. The least you could do is clean up this pig sty you call a bedroom."

"Is that all I have to do? Pick up my room?"

"No."

"I'm going back to bed."

"No you aren't, Draco. No rest until I say you can rest. James, don't make me bodily drag you from your bed. I'm not liable for loss of motor functions."

"Fine, I'll clean my room. But I'm not going to like it."

"I assumed as much. I suppose you like the smell of dirt, drool, and rotting food?"

"I know I do."

"Stop with the sarcasm and grab a broom!"

"If I grab a broom I'm flying away."

"And I'll pull out my wand and curse you out of the sky, now _clean_!"

"Harry, I don't think..."

"Silence from you! Now, get the vacuum and march."

"But my arm hurts, Dad. I don't want to clean my room."

"Trying to wring pity out of me won't work. I've used it all up. You both are kings for excuses, I'm not going to believe anything you say."

"But Harry my love, I am carrying yet another child of your parentage."

"You are not, you were nicer when you were pregnant. James, get out of bed now."

"I'm paralyzed and I love you. Please don't make me clean my room."

"Once again, you will receive no pity from me. You are going away to school and your room will ferment if you don't clean it. If it does that, we'll probably have to burn it down and start all over again."

"Dear Merlin Potter, you have most definitely been around me for too lo...ow, don't bloody pinch me! I'm going, I'm going..."

"Good. James, I am giving you an hour. I had better be able to see the floor and not have to suppress vomit when I walk in. Understand?"

"Yes sir."

"Good. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go set your mum to task."

* * *

"Draco?"

"I'm not bloody cleaning anything."

"Draco."

"I'm not going to do it. I am above the mundane task of wiping things. I won't do it."

"Yes you will."

"No I won't."

"You will because I told you too."

"Since when do I do what you tell me to do? My guess would be never, but..."

"You'll do it or there will be no sex."

"I can always buy sex."

"And I can always slice off your bits."

"Ow."

"Try me."

"Harry, I _DON'T_ clean. It's in my rules."

"What rules?"

"The rules I made you read when we started dating."

"You mean that horrible 32 page rant about how wonderful you are and how utterly unworthy I am?"

"That would be the one, yes."

"You clean. Wives clean."

"Ah yes, but I'm not your wife."

"But yet, you are still going to clean. I promise it will be worth it."

"I don't need your pity sex."

"I won't be giving any unless you..."

"Yes, yes, I know what I have to do."

"Now get to vacuuming, bitch."

"You did _NOT _just say that."

"Nope."

_

* * *

_

**End**

**

* * *

**


	34. Packing Problems

This one reads:

Draco

James

Draco

Harry

**

* * *

**

_**Packing Problems**_

* * *

"Fold those." 

"No. I don't like folding."

"Then you are dead to me."

"He can just hang his robes when he gets there. It's not a big deal."

"But it is. I payed a pretty penny...well, technically your dad payed a pretty penny...for those robes. He's going to fold them. If he doesn't they'll crease.

"But mum..."

"No! You will do as I tell you to. If I tell you to eat a live fish, you'll do it. If I tell you to fold your robes, you'll do it."

"You...you won't tell him to eat a live fish, will you? 'Cause that's just wrong."

"I'm not going to tell him to do that, it's just that I want to prove a point. And you aren't helping."

"But I don't want to do what you tell me, Mum. You never tell me to do something that's fun."

"That's because you don't have to be told to do something that is fun. Just...do it. Harry, you help him, I've got to make a few calls."

"You're helping. It was your idea to make the boy pack so bleeding early. He's got two more weeks before he leaves."

"It's because I know how the two of you are. There will more than likely be some incredibly inane project that you get enamored with and I would have had to pack James by myself."

"That probably would have been better, Mum. You're so picky about it."

"James, love, I'm not picky. I just have pride."

"Pride? You call having to have your robes neatly folded and crease-free pride? Because I call it obsessive. I don't even try to put up my clothes anymore, you just drag them back out and refold everything."

"You do it _wrong _and are incapable of being taught the correct way."

"So am I, so can dad and I go get me an owl or something?"

"Nonsense, you have to pack."

"He has two weeks! I'm sure he'll have it done!"

"You know what, fine. Go get the stupid owl. You might as well pick up two fish because I'm going to make you EAT THEM!"

"Thanks mum, I promise I'll be packed before Hogwarts and my robes will be folded and...everything."

"I'll believe it when I see it."

"Good Lord Malfoy, you are such a bloody girl. I'm surprised you haven't donned a flowered apron and muttered 'Men' as you rolled your eyes."

"I can always make you stay here and clean things. Don't think I won't."

"NO! Anything but the cleaning! Dad, shut it, I don't want to pack or clean!"

"Right. Sorry."

"That's what I thought."

* * *

_**End** _

**

* * *

**


	35. Puppy Problems

_This one reads:_

_Harry_

_Draco_

_Harry_

_James_

_**

* * *

**_

Puppy Problems

* * *

"Quick, I think your Mum is coming you should..."

"I'm home! What's going on up there?"

"Cover her, quick!"

"I don't have a blanket! I don't have a blanket!"

"Shove her under the bedཀ James, do I...oh, Hi love. Did you have fun sh..."

"What the bloody hell is that, and why is it in my house?"

"So, We got a puppy."

"I really wanted her and she was sad and a little sick."

"It was James' idea."

"Of course it was James' bloody idea! He's been hounding us for years for a dog."

"Well, now he'll stop, because he has one! Isn't that lovely?"

"Yes, I promise I'll stop. I have a puppy now and I love her."

"Yes, the boy loves her. You won't deny him of love, will you?"

"I might deny you of love."

"That's cruel. I just got him something that he's wanted for a very long time. He's been very good and I haven't had to punish him and we've promised him over and over that we'd get him a dog, and..."

"You were very cruel parents, promising me a dog and never giving me one. Now that I have one, I have somehow found it in my heart to forgive you."

"Aren't you glad that our son doesn't resent our untrustworthiness, Draco? Because I sure am."

"You are both sneaky, manipulative, overly dramatic...people. That dog isn't staying here when James goes to Hogwarts. We'll have to put it in a pound or kennel or...or kill it or something. Can dogs go into comas?"

"You can't kill a dog just because it's owner is going away for a while. I've already talked to Hagrid at Hogwarts and he said that James' dog can stay down at his cabin with him. I'm sure both Hagrid and Fang will be pleased with the new company."

"Yes, and I'll go down and see her every day. I promise I'll take good care of her."

"Yes, he'll take good care of her. He'll be very responsible."

"Why did you have to get such an ugly dog? It looks like...I don't even know if I've seen an animal that horrible before. I have nothing to compare it to."

"It's just a Chinese pug, Draco. They are very popular animals. They don't get much bigger than that, though. I hope Hagrid doesn't accidentally...step on her or anything."

"He won't. I think he'll love her."

"So do I, she's just very small."

"And she makes odd noises. Is it...grunting?"

"I...I think so. James, are you sure that that is a dog? I've never heard a dog grunt before."

"It's a dog, I promise. Her name is Daisy and I love her. We even got her this collar, see Mum? Isn't it perfect."

"The collar took three hours to pick out."

"It's...lovely. I'm sure dogs look very fashionable in sparkly pink collars. She'll look absolutely stunning. Harry, love, are you trying to make our son gay?"

"He didn't pick it out."

"Dad did."

"I did."

"And that explains a lot."

_**

* * *

**_

End

* * *


	36. Prejudice Problems

_This one reads:_

_Harry_

_Draco_

_Harry_

_James_

_**

* * *

**_

Prejudice Problems

* * *

"What the fuck?"

"Harry, just calm down. It's not that big of a deal."

"It is that big of a deal. It's bloody stupid. Why do they think they are better than us, because they aren't. In fact I think they are far worse than us."

"So do I dad, but..."

"And in _public_. One would think if you had enough sense you would at least _act_ like you had a brain when people can see you."

"Harry, you're getting upset. You know how blotchy your skin gets when you get upset."

"I don't care! It's stupid and they are stupid and the whole bloody thing is bloody stupid!"

"I got that, thanks."

"It's fine. I don't care what other people think."

"And that is very good James, you shouldn't. You do what makes you happy, not what you think will make others happy."

"Oh please Potter. The first seventeen years of your life were spent trying to make everyone else happy."

"Yes, but...well, I came to my senses. I now do what makes me happy, and occasionally what makes you guys happy."

"And mum and I thank you, but..."

"But still here they are, staring down their noses at us like we are vermin and showcasing their blatant heterosexuality. Disgusting."

"I'm sorry, but let me inform you of your identity. You're Harry Potter, not Draco Malfoy. I'm Draco Malfoy. I would say something like that, not you."

"I've been around you for twenty-one bloody years, do you not expect some of your beliefs to rub off on me?"

"You're old."

"Thanks for that James, I appreciate it. You really know how to make someone feel good about themselves."

"If he's old then I'm old, and I am in no way old."

"Oh Draco, is that a wrinkle? Right there, between your eyebrows?"

"Yeah, I think there is one there, Mum."

"Damn it, she's staring again, wrinkling her nose like she's better than us. Kiss me quick, Draco."

"No. You said I was wrinkly."

"I take it back. Kiss me, lover."

"Eww. Please don't, we're in the middle of Platform Nine and Three-Quarters. All my friends will see."

"Do it or I will, Draco. We must show them that they aren't better than us."

"Harry, I don't..."

"Fine..."

"Eww Dad, not in public. Stop. Great, now I have to hear about my gross parents all year. Thanks. I can really tell how much you love me."

"Oh please James, you're such a drama queen."

"He learned from the best."

"Yeah Draco, you."

* * *

**End**

**

* * *

**


	37. Pleasing Problems

_**

* * *

**_

Pleasing Problems

* * *

"It's quiet."

"I know. Too quiet."

"What do we do now? I mean, we've got all the time in the world. Do you want to go somewhere?"

"Not really. D...do you want to have sex? This way we can be as loud as we want and not worry about bothering James."

"I...well..."

"Oh come on, you know you want to. You're a screamer by nature, I think it's physically painful for you to hold it in."

"Well Draco, when you are constantly whispering vulgar things into my ear and pinching...certain body parts...you make it difficult."

"It's because I'm totally sexy with my rabbit-soft hair and my large scar that tells of struggle and strength and my fantastic body that just oozes sex."

"My scar is cooler than yours. Mine is proof that I survived Voldemort. Yours is just proof someone cut up your stomach and pulled out a child."

"That's a big deal, Harry. You only wish you had thought of it first."

"Whatever. Are we going to have sex or what?"

"No. You insulted me."

"I did not. It's not worth it. I don't like it when you are angry with me. You refuse to talk to me and kick me in the shins in bed."

"I do not."

"You bloody well do. Please can we have sex?"

"I suppose. Come here you sexy man-panther."

"Man panther?"

"Shut up and get over here while I'm still in the mood."

"Unlike you, the oldest of the pair of us, I don't have that problem. I am always in the mood because of my youthful vigor."

"Fuck. You."

"No need to get snippy. Take your trousers off."

"Whatever you want, oh wait, I'm _angry_ with you."

"You shouldn't be. If I were you I would be pleased I had a willing, screaming partner."

"I'm not pleased. You usually don't please me."

"Oh well...step out of them, there you go...it's the thought that counts."

"At least close the bloody blinds if you're going to do that. I don't want our sex life on display for all the world to see. Unlike you, I'm not an exhibitionist."

"Anything to please you."

"Stop talking and put your mouth to better use. Suck."

"I'm not just going to..."

"Yes you are. Anything to please me, right?"

"But..."

"Suck."

"I..."

_"Suck."_

"Fine."

"Good boy."

"I hate you."

"Love you too."

_**

* * *

** _

**End**

**

* * *

**


	38. Procrastination Problems

* * *

**_Procrastination Problems

* * *

_**

"Harry?" 

"Draco, I'm watching this program. Can't you wait for the commercial?"

"Is this…you're watching soap operas, aren't you? You made fun of me for watching it and now you are bloody hooked on them."

"So you can't talk. Okay, it's a commercial. What did you want?"

"Are we ever going to get married?"

"I…well…no. Yes. I don't know. Do you want to?"

"No…well yes…kind of. We don't have to, I just was wondering."

"I never thought about it, is all. If you want to we will."

"No, it's fine. We don't have to."

"Okay."

"Damn it, you aren't meant to agree. We bloody well need to get married. You've been putting it off for a very long time. We need to do it, make an honest woma…I mean man out of me."

"I'll leave that one alone. We're practically married anyway; I don't think it's that important."

"But it is! Harry, you put everything off. You _still_ haven't fixed that hole in the wall in James' room. You told me you would take the Christmas tree down and it's bloody September and it's still up! We might as well just leave it there."

"That's what I thought, that's why I left it there. I don't put stuff off."

"You are such a liar. You told me you would get the laundry out of the dryer and it's still in there."

"I'm going to do it later."

"I rest my case."

"That doesn't prove anything. I was just busy when you asked me to do it. What were you doing at the time? You weren't doing anything?"

"Yes I was! I was…dusting. What were you doing? I'll tell you, you were sitting on your arse watching cheesy soap operas and getting FAT!"

"Oh, you want to talk about getting fat? Don't start with me Draco, you are the one who had to upgrade to my trousers."

"I was with child, you dolt."

"Point?"

"I had to upgrade to your trousers because you are so much larger than I am. You don't do anything but verbally abuse me and promise to do things that you never do. Fat lot of good you do around here."

"Shut it, the show's back on."

"No. I will not shut it just because I'm interrupting your precious…"

"I said quiet."

"I said NO."

"Fine, I'll take down the bloody Christmas tree and fix the bloody wall and fold the bloody laundry and bloody fucking marry you. Will that make you happy? Will that shut you up long enough so I can possibly do something I want to do?"

"I don't want to marry you if you're just going to do it to make me happy. You can do all those other things, though."

"What do you mean you don't want to marry me?"

"I mean that I'm not going to marry you if you only agree to it to shut me up. You obviously don't want to; I'm not going to force you."

"I never said I didn't want to marry you."

"You didn't have to."

"Draco, please don't do this. Please don't. Look, I'm going, I'm getting the clothes, I'm folding them. I'll fix the hole as soon as I'm done, then I'll put away the tree. Just don't…"

"I'm only doing what you forced me to do, Harry. Nothing more, nothing less."

"No! I didn't force you to do anything. Please don't. I love you, you know I love you. We've been though a lot of hard times together when all we had was each other to lean on. I love you so much it hurts. Don't…don't leave. I want to marry you, and when the time is right, we'll do it. Alright? Please look at me."

"I wasn't going to bloody well leave you. What would make you think that?"

"Well you…I…you said…you scared the shit out of me. Don't do that."

"Sorry."

"No you aren't, you're trying not to laugh."

"Yes, well…did you really mean everything you just said?"

"Of course. You had doubts?"

"Small ones. Smaller than Surrey."

"Ugh, don't remind me."

"Yes love."

"You know Harry; I just had a wonderful idea. Let's have sex."

"But…but what about the laundry, and the wall, and the tree?"

"It can wait."

"I couldn't have said it better myself."

* * *

**_End

* * *

_**


	39. Proposal Problems

* * *

**_Proposal Problems

* * *

_**

"Harry, where are we going?" 

"You'll know when we get there."

"But…"

"No. It didn't work the first thousand times you asked, it won't work now. I'm not telling you. Like I said, you'll know when we get there?"

"Yes, but what if I'm terribly allergic to where ever we are going? Or what if you are smuggling me out of our house to only be captured by rogue pirates or angry Spider-people or something? Please tell me that this isn't just some elaborate trick to get rid of me."

"It's not some elaborate trick to get rid of you. If I were trying to get rid of you it wouldn't have put as much effort into it. I would have probably just called Ron and told him you insulted not only his lineage, wife's lineage, and the state of his credit, but also said he had bad hair."

"His hair really is rather horrid."

"Trust me, Draco. You'll like where I'm taking you. You won't be terribly allergic."

"I had better not me. I don't like sneezing, it makes my eyeballs hurt."

"Ah, so that's where James gets that phrase."

"Well it does. You wouldn't know because you have the immune system of…someone with a very strong immune system. You're never sick."

"You are very frail because of the generations upon generations of Malfoys who had children with their brothers and sisters. I'm surprised you don't have webbed fingers or an insane number of toes or something."

"Ah, you've never seen my baby pictures, have you? I was a very good swimmer."

"Don't even bloody joke about that. It's creepy."

"You're the one who brought it up. So Harry, where are we going again?"

"No! It's not going to work. I'm not telling you. We're almost there anyway. If you'll just sit still and…no…don't take off the bloody blindfold, don't make me spell it to your face…we'll be there in a minute. Stop fussing."

"I'm not fussing; I'm just worried about the inevitable crease that this blindfold is making in my hair. There won't be real people where we are going that will see my hair mussed, will there?"

"Real people? What do you mean by that?"

"You don't count, of course."

"I'm not a real person? Since when? I must say, this is news to me."

"You don't count because you've seen me at my worst, with my hair sticking to my face and those ghastly pillow lines all over my face. For Merlin's sake Potter, you've seen me when my face goes all blotchy when I'm…you know…"

"And I still think you're beautiful, especially when you're hair is disheveled and you've got pillow lines and drool and when you are coming and your face goes all blotchy. It just proves to me that you trust me enough to allow me to see your real self, not the mask you reserve for everyone else."

"That or you are finding poetry in the mere lack of the ability to be perfect all the time."

"You are perfect all the time, you just don't realize it."

"If you're expecting me to chime in with 'Oh you are beautiful in everything you do, even when you're doing laundry or chewing with your mouth open or belching and blowing it into my face' then you are mistaken, Potter. Those sentiments aren't shared. I'm sure that isn't much of a surprise."

"No. I didn't expect you to think so."

"Good. Just as long as that's understood. So, where are we going?"

"Nowhere. We're here. Hold on, I'll get you out. Don't touch that blindfold."

"But…Harry, I promise I'm going to hurt you. As much as I like blindfolds I don't think they belong in cars. I think you should be able to see at all times in a car. For all I know you could be rolling me into an ocean or something. Harry? HARRY!"

"Calm down, love, I'm not rolling you into the ocean. Here, take my hand, I'm going to lead you a short distance and then I'll tell you to take off your blindfold, alright?"

"I don't take orders from you. I might take it off, I might not."

"You'll want to, I promise."

"I'll believe it when I see it. And I'm bloody cold. I don't understand why I didn't have time to grab a coat or something."

"For Merlin's sake Draco, you can have mine if you'll stop whining."

"I will. Now give me your coat before I freeze to death then come back to haunt you because of this ridiculous idea got me killed."

"It's only ridiculous because you don't know what's going on. If you had thought this plan up you would be explaining to me how very amazingly clever you are for coming up with such an amazingly clever plan. Since you weren't the one to think it up, however, you are bloody well whining. It's not attractive."

"Yes, and I'm really worried about if you find me attractive or not. Seriously Potter, I would think that you would realize I'm rather secure with our relationship after so many years together. Honestly."

"You'd better…"

"There is nothing you could tack on to the end of that sentence that I haven't heard before. There's no point in finishing, really."

"Alright then, I won't."

"Ow! You bloody wanker, why didn't you tell me there was a very large rock in front of me?"

"I was going to say, 'You'd better watch out for that very large rock in front of you', but you told me you'd heard it before."

"I hate you."

"Hate, love, it's all the same, really. Now, turn around like…yes. Right there. Now, don't move and don't take off your blindfold until I tell you, alright?"

"Alright, but I don't see what all this fuss is about. This had better be the best thing I've ever experienced. There had better be lots and lots of sex after this."

"I should hope so…now…take off the blindfold."

"Wh…Wow, it's a sunset. I'm blown the fuck away. What are you doing down there? Is this your genius plan, take me to a cliff and suck me off as the sun sets? We could have done that at home."

"No, it wasn't my plan. Now give me your hand, the left one is preferred."

"Why?"

"Just…instead of asking questions for once, can you just do what I say?"

"No."

"Draco…"

"Fine. Arse."

"Draco, I love you more than I ever thought I would love anyone. I didn't have what one would call a family growing up and I always wanted one, I wanted someone to love and someone to love me in return, and I think I've found that in you. I didn't think my life could be any fuller until we had James, and I finally knew what life was really about. I know that we've been together for a long time, but I feel like we need to take the final step. Draco Malfoy, will you marry me?"

"No."

"What?"

"No. You are only doing this because I suggested it a couple of weeks ago."

"I thought about it a lot. We're ready. I'm ready. Now, I'm going to ask again and this time you'll say something different. Alright?"

"We'll see."

"Draco, marry me. Please."

"Oh, if you insist."

"I do. I really really do."

* * *

**_End

* * *

_**


	40. Pansy Problems

* * *

**_Pansy Problems_**

**_

* * *

_**"But Draco..." 

"No. She's a professional and one of my oldest friends. She volunteered to do this for us at a very reasonable price and has even said I can help her. She's going to do it."

"But..."

"No! I know you would quite possibly rather be trampled by a herd of...of wild hinkypunks than employ Pansy Parkinson, but I like her. I like the weddings she decorates. You don't have a choice."

"I accept that, but..."

"There is nothing you can say to change my mind, so there isn't a point in arguing."

"Don't hinkypunks live in water?"

"Shut it."

"Draco, I understand that you like Pansy and blah blah blah..."

"Your memory is appalling."

"That's not the point. The point is, I don't trust the pug-faced twat around you. At all. I know you two had a...a _thing_ at Hogwarts and the fact she volunteered to decorate our wedding is a bit unnerving."

"A _thing_? We didn't have a _thing_."

"Did so! You were always together and you were constantly feeling her up."

"For your information, I was her fashion consultant. Her taste in clothes was rather lacking."

"We wore uniforms, Draco."

"Yes, well spotted. Okay, so maybe we did have a bit of a thing. If it makes you feel any better the first time I saw her naked I nearly threw up. After that, I found it a fair assumption that I was gay."

"You saw her _naked_?"

"It was a very, very long time ago. If it was bad then, how to you reckon I'd react now? She's had two children and gained and lost that equivalent in weight. She's all...saggy."

"And how do you know that? Seen for yourself, have you? Send you nakes pictures of herself, has she?"

"No! She told me."

"Of course she did, she tells you everything. Just like you tell me NOTHING!"

"Harry..."

"Nope."

"Harry, I promise I won't let her harass me. I've been with you for nearly seventeen bloody years. Saggy old Pansy Parkinson is _not_ going to steal me away from you."

"She can't have you. I'll hex her so bloody hard her head will fall off. "

"Of course she can't. I've got my own happy family, I don't need hers."

"Plus, I nhghtly doubt Flint would approve of his wife's sordid love affair with a gay man. He's pretty accepting, but I think that would push him over the edge."

"Probably. So...it's alright with you if she decorates our wedding?"

"I suppose. What theme does she have in mind?"

"You know..."

"Wait..."

"I was thinking..."

"Draco..."

"That since you vetoed it for your birthday..."

"Draco, no..."

"Rainbow and pink?"

"Absolutely not."

"Oh, you know you love me."

"You. Not the utter gayness that radiates from you."

"If it weren't for the utter gayness, Potter, we wouldn't be having this conversation."

"Yes we would, you would have just had a lesser array of vocabulary and a lacking fashion sense."

"Potter! You offend!"

"And you know you love _me_."

* * *

**_End

* * *

_**


	41. Planning Problems

_You have CelticHeiressFiona to thank for this chapter. She was the one to give me the idea! Thanks love!_

* * *

**_Planning Problems_**

* * *

"This could not possibly be more of a bloody disaster. Naturally, I blame you Potter."

"Why? What did I do?"

"Nothing! That's the point!"

"Wait...what?"

"Pansy and I have been working our fingers to the bone to make this wedding happen whilst you just sit there on your arse. To the bone, I tell you! Look, I've even got rough spots on my skin. Do you know how many of my rules this breaks?"

"Fifteen, if you don't count the one about proper moisturization."

"At least your good at something other than sitting on your arse."

"You didn't assign me a job. You told me that I was highly irresponsible and couldn't be trusted."

"And now! Now Potter, absolutely nothing has been sorted, we don't even bloody well know the order the ceremony goes in, when the food will arrive, or where our son is with the rings."

"I saw him a moment ago..."

"Not the point! This should have been planned ages ago. Ages, I say!"

"What were you and Pansy doing when you were working your fingers to the bone, then? I thought you were planning."

"No! Of course we weren't planning. "

"Why not?"

"It wasn't our job!"

"Whose job was it, then?"

"Yours, of course."

"It was not! I told you, you never assigned me a job! I'm highly irresponsible, remember?"

"It's more than obvious you are highly irresponsible. This wedding is a disaster."

"The flowers are pretty."

"I...well...thank you."

"It will be fine, love. James is probably playing with Ryan, the minister will know the order of the ceremony, and Pansy assured me she would take care of the reception. Calm down, love."

"You're sure?"

"Absolutely sure. Everything is totally taken care of."

"I...alright."

"Better now?"

"Yes. Maybe you aren't totally worthless."

"I had hoped I wasn't. Are you ready to get married now?"

"I don't know. Are you?"

"I asked you first."

"Well...I guess."

"I'm glad you are so enthusiastic."

* * *

"Harry?"

"Why don't you take your cake and go sit at the table, James. I'm sure there are plenty of people who would like to talk to you. Go on."

"Harry?"

"Thank you so much, Remus. It was beautiful, wasn't it? Yes, Draco makes a lovely blushing bride."

"Harry?"

"Hermione, will you please quit fussing and crying? I swear you become more and more like Molly with each passing day."

"Potter?"

"No Ron, I'm not going to change my mind, I've had long enough to do that."

"Harry BLOODY Potter!"

"What love? What's wrong now?"

"Nothing. I..."

"What?"

"I'm just happy, is all. I love you."

"I love you too. I'm glad we did this."

"Me too. Now, do you want to go make out in the loo or something?"

"Sounds like a plan."

* * *

**_End

* * *

_**


	42. Pants Problems

* * *

**_Pants Problems_**

* * *

"I am _not_ wearing those. They're ridiculous. And possibly cursed. They look like they're _breathing_."

"They aren't breathing, and they aren't that bad. I think they're rather sexy, myself."

"What in Merlin's name do you find sexy about them? There's a bit of suspicious-looking fabric held together by a flimsy string and a few well-placed spells, I assume. There's absolutely nothing there."

"That's the point, Draco."

"But...Don't you think my regular pants are sexy? They're silk. And I'm one-hundred percent sure that they aren't deadly. This is...is this silk?"

"Yes, just...less. I like the silk, I like the feeling of your hard cock under the fabric."

"Harry...Using dirty language isn't going to persuade me into putting on underwear that looks like the lacings of a shoe."

"It's our honeymoon.You like dressing up, why won't you just humour me?"

"That's the problem. You're going to find humour in this, aren't you?"

"Draco, you can be completely naked wearing a waistcoat make out of bogeys and you'd still be sexy. Underwear isn't going to change how I feel about you."

"Bogeys? Seriously?"

"It was the first thing that popped into my head."

"And where, may I ask, has your head been, Harry?"

"I just thought the pants would be fun, is all."

"I can see how this is fun for you, you're dressing me in horrible silky pants and planning to laugh at me. Possibly point and jeer."

"I'm not going to laugh at you. I may very well do other things to you, but I most assuredly won't laugh."

"This doesn't seem very fair. I've got to wear thePants of Perpetual Torture while you just ogle. Why can't you dress up too?"

"I can, if you want me to."

"I do. I've actually got an outfit..."

"Should I be scared?"

"Probably."

"What have I got myself into?"

* * *

"What's your name, young lady?"

"This is weird, Draco."

"You don't know my name, bitch."

"Weird."

"You promised to play along, lover. I'm wearing these pants, they aren't that bad, by the way, and you promised to cooperate. Now, cooperate, damn you."

"Really Draco, a _skirt_? I didn't know you still had a fascination with women. Especially women who wear this..."

"I don't. I have a fascination with you in a skirt. There is a very big difference."

"You really like me in a skirt? That's still a tad suspicious..."

"You've got the legs for a skirt, love. Now, can we have sex now?"

"I don't know. Can I enjoy your pants for a while? Holding them in your hand is one thing, but sliding my hand over the fabric when it's stretched over your arse...that's much more desirable."

"About as desirable as cupping your bare arse under that little skirt you're wearing. Come here, Harry."

"Oh, but sir, I don't even know your name. I'm just an innocent young virgin who seems to have forgotten her underwear today. How curious and exceedingly handy. Oh what shall I do?"

"You're right, it is creepy."

"Told you. Can we have sex now?"

"Yes, I love you and let's just have sex now."

"Good idea."

"You can take off the skirt."

"Oh thank _Merlin_. You can take off the pants if you want."

"I think I'd rather them on, thanks."

"You pervy bastard."

"You know it."

* * *

**_End__

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_**

_The next chapter is the last one...sniffs_


	43. Perfect Problems

_First and foremost, this is the last installment in the 'Problems' series. Never fear though, I will more than likely write more humourous pieces like this when the fancy strikes, but they won't be a part of this series. All good things must come to an end, eh?_

_I would like to thank every one of my loyal reviewers. I never thought this one would become so popular. I would like to personall thank those who sent me their ideas and suggestions for chapters. They are: **lord of the potters, Sutoriitoenzeru-Street Angel, mernpip4ever, AmorLunaris, Azu Luna, Miriam Mrirund, brionyjae, Lani-David, Jazzed Up, Megalicious Moony, CelticHeiressFiona, OfficialCheeseTaster, SexOnLegs, dyingonthursday, Isidoria, lunasoleil, N.C. PsyChick, Emmasj, volleyballblonde, Jack or Jill, From The Dark I will Rise, LanisFanFiction, creepy clown doll, beserkergoddess andloonyluna9**.(If I forgot anyone I am deeply sorry.) Without you guys this wouldn't have been nearly as long. You guys truly are my inspiration. _

_So, without further ado, I present:_

* * *

**_Perfect Problems

* * *

_**

"Well?"

"Well what? Honestly Potter, have you suffered a stroke?"

"No. I meant, do you have something to tell me?"

"Last night I accidentally used your toothbrush. I'm deeply sorry. It will never happen again."

"No, you prat. Today is an important say and you seem to have completely forgotten you have anything to say."

"Wouldn't I be the first to know if I had something to say?"

"You have forgotten! I can't believe you!"

"I was unaware of the fact that I was supposed to remember something. I hardly remember your name the majority of the time."

"You don't have any trouble remembering my last name. We've had this conversation before. You constantly forget to call me Harry, but that's beside the point."

"What is your point, exactly? I've got food to cook and I can't be wasting precious marinating time trying to guess which made-up holiday I forgot about this time."

"It isn't made up! Believe me, you're going to feel really bad when you realize what I'm talking about."

"I'll be blown away, more like. I hardly ever know what you're talking about. You speak in some foreign code."

"Whatever you say, love."

"I'm glad you finally grasp that concept. Now, I made a list of things I need from the grocer's. Be a dear and fetch them for me."

"Since when am I your errand boy?"

"Since last night. You owe me big time."

"Fine. Now where did you hide my wallet?"

"I didn't touch your…oh wait, it's behind the sink in the loo."

"Should I even ask why?"

"No. Probably not."

"Alright, I'll be back in a bit. Don't burn the flat down while I'm away.

"No promises."

* * *

"Draco, come in here and help me put away the groceries."

"Just leave the groceries and come here. I've got a surprise."

"Unless it involves a magical house elf-like robot to put up the groceries I'm not interested."

"It's not, but I know you'll be interested. Please?"

"Don't even start with me Draco. I had to search for hours for those stupid crisps you wanted. So you know, they don't make them anymore. They had to dig around in the back of the bloody store to find a bag and it's a little smashed so you had better not bitch."

"What's with the hostility? Here I am with a lovely surprise for you and you're snapping at me because they happen to not make the type of crisps I put on the list? Why didn't you just get a different kind?"

"Because you didn't bloody write down an alternate flavour. Why didn't you just kill me before I left and get it over with?"

"Touché. I'll promise to help you put up the groceries after you come in here. If you come right now I promise there will be a hell of a lot of sex involved. Like…more sex than you've ever seen in your life."

"Does it have to be with you?"

"You're pushing it."

"If you couldn't tell by my hostility, I'm not that pleased with you at the moment."

"Please? I'll love you forever."

"You're already going to love me forever. You promised you would when you married me."

"I knew that would come back to haunt me."

"And I'm pushing it?"

"Harry…you have two choices. One you come in here and there will be sex, or you don't come and I hurt you."

"Now I really want to come. Are you truly insane?"

"No. Harry…"

"Fine, I'm coming. Happy?"

"I…"

"Happy Anniversary, lover."

"But…"

"I didn't forget. You just were fooled by my brilliant acting skills."

"Draco…"

"We've been together for seventeen years today. Aren't I the best husband ever?"

"You're the best one I've had."

"Now, I tried to make some sort of chicken contraption, but I had some problems and…"

"No, it's perfect. You're perfect."

"Thank you. You're not too bad yourself."

"I love you."

"I love me too."

"Draco…"

"I love you too, pet."

* * *

**_End_**

_

* * *

_

_And that, my dear readers, is the end! Thanks for your support and encouragement._


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